Dog-gone determined

Good morning!

Now that I have my degree, I keep asking myself where I go from here. Since I'm torn between writing and photography, I've teetered back and forth between the two, finally coming to the conclusion that I need to do both.

In the past I've always depended on others for my happiness, never believing that I had it in me to make myself happy. How does one go about changing their course from focusing on pleasing everybody else to pleasing themself, and is it possible to do both?

Perhaps happy is the wrong word...I think I mean content. Content for me means being at peace with who I am and what I do - the first one is the hardest.

I had to nurture myself, relearn to make negative experiences positive, and remind myself that each new day was a new start. Yes, it sounds cliche, but even that was better than living with the constant voice in my head that said I was worthless.

Friends, family, and kind strangers began to notice my passion regarding certain aspects of my character. I forced myself to face the wilderness, an event that took a lot of time and patience.

From watching nature, I learned about parenting. I saw a mother Osprey stuff herself in the middle between her two nestlings and beat them with her wings when they sqabbled; I giggled, but they settled down. Immediately afterward, the mother nuzzled each one with her beak - showing that a firm wing, patience, and love can blend together.

A mother moose showed me her calf, and another cow moose came to me and nuzzled my arm. These experiences made me want to protect these animals and our planet. I also became more determined to photograph as much wildlife as possible - there's been a couple of moments when I put myself in danger, but I believe I'm stronger for it.

I learned to care about myself and my decisions because wildlife meant so much to me. That and a kick in the butt from friends, family, and even classmates/professors helped me understand that I do have a purpose.

So, where does that leave me? What job should I focus on? Knowing writing and photography sustained me when I lost sight of other things, and the Grace of God, the One who put so many angles in my path to help show me my way has helped.

After being disabled for so many years, finding a job has been nearly impossible - but that doesn't mean I can't earn a living. While my first priority is to protect all that I can, I need to earn money so I can keep going into areas where animals are many and people are few.

People; they make me nervous, uncertain, and I never trust my judgement right away. However, I love animals and always have. That gave me an idea: how about doing pet photography? It's an area where the pressure is less intense, plus I'm not honing in on other areas like prom and wedding photos (pressure, lots of pressure!), and best of all, I can be myself.

Dogs, cats, horses, birds, and the list goes on. I can laugh, giggle, be gentle or playful. I can be the person I'm meant to be. This allows me to be more cautious when I am around people.

I do well when I'm around a few people, but not so well in a crowd. So, I think I've chosen the right field.

One thing is for certain: knowing and proving discrimination are two very different things. I need a job, I need to feel independent, and fortunately, there are enough people who believe in my abilities to trust me with their pets - and that allows me to put time and energy into everything I love - and that does include the environment.

The best part of all of this is that I'm starting to accept who I am, and even better, I like this person who is emerging.