A few days ago I published this photo on http://www.treknature.com/ under the title 'so that all might live' and made it a dedication to those who have served their country - regardless of which country it was.
It was my way of saying thank you, and you know, I felt pretty good about the dedication. I stroked my ego a few times, patted myself on the back, and then continued my day without another thought (after calling people I knew, thanking them for the time they spent defending the USA in various wars), before I relaxed and enjoyed my day.
The photo was intended to show that as long as people are willing to sacrafice their time (and these days, frequently their lives), then the youngsters of today have a chance for a tomorrow. Never once did I consider about those who spent Memorial Weekend alone...come to think of it, other than for family and friends, I didn't think of anybody else. I'm such a fool.
This morning I learned that an acquaintance living in the same apartment building as myself committed suicide. I didn't know him well, but I know I liked him. Polite, kind, never complained, and often stopped to say hello if we passed each other on our way in or out. Like others around me, I simply took for granted that he was a part of the establishment here, one that represented the status-quo - a regular guy who never said a mean word about anybody living here. Like a lamp, he was a quiet fixture, noticed only when seen. Perhaps that was part of the problem.
I didn't know him well because he stayed to himself. I suppose I could even compare his existence here to invisibility. We spoke only if we saw each other as we came and went. I never heard the TV from his apartment...come to think of it, I never heard anything from his apartment. Pleasant fellow, not the sort I'd knock on the door of simply because I didn't really know him except for exchanging pleasantries. For all intents and purposes, he was invisible.
A few weeks ago he acquired a new car and I made a comment about it. We spoke for a few seconds and once more, went our separate ways.
Today I wonder about him. What shows did he like on TV or did he even like TV? Did he have any hobbies? I can't recall anybody stopping over to visit him anymore than I can recall him visiting with neighbors for a chat about the weather or whatever else was on our minds. I wonder if he knew how well liked he was? I know I never mentioned it; I took it for granted that he knew, just as I took for granted that he was exactly the type of neighbor I enjoyed having around, never once thinking about what made him happy.
Suicide. It's so final and leaves so many unanswered questions, the main one, at least to me, how did we fail? I'm not a stranger to suicide. Uncles of mine have committed it, a friend or two attempted it (one eventually succeeding), but even with the friend who eventually succeeded, I wasn't that surprised.
The funny part about all of this is that until today, I never thought about him. Now I can't get my mind off of him. In my mind's eye, I see his face. Did he ever smile? Not that I saw, but I never saw him angry either. Was he a VET? It's possible, and considering the timing, I've speculated that perhaps there was a tie to Memorial Day weekend, and if so, doesn't that make him another casualty of a by-gone war?
Whatever his reasons were, I can only hope that today he is at peace. Ironically even though he was an acquaintance that I liked, there's an emptiness inside today that wasn't there yesterday.
Hopefully I'll think more about the people around me and less about myself. Today I wish I had taken the time to know him better, but that's too little too late. I can only hope to try a little harder to get to know the invisible people around that I do like - and make a point to tell them. It won't change what happened, but I know of at least one other person I sort of know but have never bothered to take it to the friendship level. Perhaps today is a good time to stop by for no other reason than just to say hello.
