Cherished Memories

It's almost been a year since Mama passed. On some levels, I find myself sad because I miss her; on another level, I know that she is no longer in pain and while I cannot see her, I feel certain she watches over me.

The other day while searching through a box that I had yet to delve through and sort, I came across a photo I took - one where she is holding her grandson for the first - and one of the last - time.

While her body is obviously weak, the light in her eyes is strong and radiates the love she does not express verbally. The way she holds her grandson screams out how much he is adored - the pride gives her face a healthy glow that hasn't been seen in a couple of years.

Her last days were of sadness and hope. While sad to be leaving her family, she had high hopes for all of us. Her own belief system, the way she held fast to her faith that God was/is looking out for her family has, I admit, given me strength during the 'first' holidays without her.

I had no intentions of putting up a tree, but Mama loved Christmas. I think it was her favorite holiday. Not only did she love to decorate, but when we were small, she'd make up stories about various characters that she created. For instance, she created Charlie the Elf.

Charlie enjoyed spending more time visiting children and leaving gifts on doorsteps of houses where helpful children lived. He existed not only at Christmas, but every day of the year. Now and then he'd leave a Christmas gift at Easter (confused little elf that just loved Christmas, that's all) simply because he enjoyed the gift of giving.

Although I resolved not to go out of my way to celebrate Christmas with all the trimmings this past year, I was surrounded by memories of years' past.

Given that I was spending time recalling the many Christmas's we spent together, I knew that Mama would not only want me to remember the many holidays we spent together, but also she'd want me to create new memories.

I once said that Mama would always be a whisper away, and even in my grief, I always believed that - and still do. When I feel especially lonely or down, I say a whispered prayer to God, asking him to pass my words on to Mama. I believe He does as I request, and now, not only do I have a new guardian angel that I love and who also loves me dearly, but the one that watched over me before Mama was called home, I believe, gives her a hand. After all, with so many children and families, Mama probably wants to spend time with all of us - and you know, that thought leaves me feeling content.

Yes, on some level there is an empty space inside my soul. However, when I remember that those I love who have been called home, I have no doubts that when I, too, am called there will be a large welcome home party - and then that empty feeling fades away and is replaced by a warm feeling that I call love.